- Mood: grumpy, upset, torn, confused
- Itch Index: med
- Depression Index: low
- Weather: sunny and breezy
So after all these years of bugging me and threatening to leave me, divorce me etc, we do this whole swinging thing, which he says is VITAL to his life and we cannot have a relationship without it, he will move on to someone else... 
Now it appears that he isn't really interested in seeing the people we meet up with on any kind of regular basis at all. So of course, being opened up to that 'world' and finally letting go of the fear and finding that I actually quite like it, he 'takes it away' from me, as when *I* ask to go be with other people, I get a flat NO or "I don't think it's a good idea right now". If I had said that to him before I agreed to do it, I would have been answered with a threat and / or some kind of blackmail. 
So now it's ME who is bored of SP in the bedroom, I have no lust for him at all, he's getting older and older before my eyes and I'm tired of his same old shit, and still thinking he's 40. 
Now I want the outside fun, and not necessarily to 'share' either. I want the excitement and passion of an affair, a new lover, someone to get butterflies over... WHY NOW?? Things were going so well.
Is it because I really like Rob? I don't know why... apart from us fitting personalities pretty well and being closer in age and him being quite a looker, he didn't really do anything for me in bed, so why do I crave him?
I am SO torn about telling SP my feelings. I know if I do, we will never see him again, but also I feel that I am being dishonest not only with SP, but denying myself some pleasure in life.
I think, had it been the other way around, and we'd met a girl that he wanted 'us' to see again, and I'd said no, or wasn't planning to see her in the near future, then he would go off and see her by himself, having an affair.
Not that it makes it right to do so, but I guess now *I* feel cheated in some way that I've had some pleasure dangled in front of my face and now it's being taken away from me, like some cruel joke. 
I have to fantasize about Rob in order to get even vaguely turned on by SP now. I guess this is what happens to alot of couples, I really never thought it would happen to SP and I because I was always jealous of who he was with. Now he's STILL jealous of some people that I have told him over and over that it will never happen (and it REALLY won't, he's totally barking up the wrong tree there) and it's getting tiresome.
I did feel a pang of something today, not jealousy as such, but now M.O.M. is pregnant, he wants to take nude or semi-nude pics of her, as he thinks she should, or she will regret it later and she's only got a few weeks before she drops the brat out, and that every mother to be should have pics of herself pregnant. If he does that, I will almost definitely use that as an excuse to do WHATEVER I like, as, me being anti-kids, I think it's pretty gross that he'd want to take those pics of her.
I really want to tell him how I feel, so why the fear? He can't do anything to me except divorce me, as he does not need any grounds to do so in Florida, and I have a few job prospects and feel settled, so why would I care? Because I love him in a certain way, but I'm not IN LOVE with him, I really don't want to live without him, but on HIS terms, sharing lovers, funny how that has turned around from me being so dead against it, to wanting what HE wanted all along, but now he's changed his mind. Weird. 
I guess after his birthday I'll go back to the psychologist and see what she says, as we only discussed it briefly the other day.
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